My Name is Rowan
by Puckieg
Summary: A characterization piece from Prince Rowan's POV with my headcanon in it. One-shot.


My name is Rowan.

Contrary to what most people think, I was not born with hatred and insanity instilled in my brain (although my family does suggest _some_ insanity may have been passed on). I simply learned from a very young age that I would not matter unless I made myself matter. As second-born, I would only be heir if Sage was unable to perform his duties, and even then, he would only be king if Mab ever relinquished her throne-which was always nigh impossible. She took precautions to avoid harm, imposed fear on her subjects, and made sure that hers was always the last word. This was a common thing for rulers, but she was even more determined with each child she bore.

She named me Rowan. I was never around her much; she was always busy. She did, however, make sure that I would not resent her for her absence or think of her as a stranger to be taken out. She was much too smart for that. She would give each of us just enough time with her, just enough power, that we would compete for her favor and see it as an advantage. This intensified greatly when Ash was born.

In an effort to get us to learn that above all else, we were Winter and our enemy was Summer, she would often assign Sage to look after me when I was little, or assign Sage or I to look after Ash when he was little. I'm not that patient with children, especially ones that purposefully like to spite me. Let's just say that Sage took care of Ash more often than I did.

Sage did not teach me much outside of common sense. I suppose that he did not want me to be too much trouble for him, although he did spend time with me to try to make sure I wouldn't assassinate him if he should ever take the throne. At the time that Ash was born, I was just a faery prince; intelligent, slightly paranoid, and charmingly persuasive with the sidhe. I had found that I could go into Court politics with increasing ease, hold my own in a battle of wits, and even best my older brother in combat once in a while. I would occasionally read to see how the humans were progressing, educating myself so I could better manipulate them. It's far better to go into a battle knowing what you're up against.

When Ash was born, I tried to be patient. If he saw me as a friend, it would be less likely he'd turn against me. I took Sage's unsaid advice and refrained from teaching him much, though Ash was a quick learner. The difference between my younger brother and I was that he had a distaste for Court politics from the beginning. I couldn't blame him, as he was third in line to a throne that would most likely never be given up. Even Sage resolved himself to always being a prince of Winter, though he always had solid allies if the occasion should arise.

As Ash grew older, I found that he was learning a lot from just watching Sage and I. While Sage and I practiced swordplay, Ash would watch. Mab would often dote on her youngest, though 'dote' is a loose term. I became more irritated as she gave him more attention. What made my youngest brother so special? I'd spent years in Mab's Court, outmaneuvering sidhe for not only Mab's favor but mine as well. I learned how to use glamour and soon how to manipulate emotions too. Sometimes I didn't even need glamour to do it. I'd challenge myself, thinking that if I could succeed in the challenges I set for myself that Mab would notice. It was a dangerous and angry competition that she'd entered us all in, and our only fault was existing.

There was an instance when I took my younger brother out hunting for some easy quarry. We'd come close to a human village, back when they had little to show them as intelligent. Ash seemed bored, as he always did. He learned quickly, and that meant that there was little left at Court to challenge or interest him enough to take up his time. In a moment of jealousy, I challenged him to win the heart of a human girl nearby before the next moon. He accepted, and I waited. It was his first time manipulating emotions, and though I knew somehow that it wouldn't be a challenge for him, I wanted to find some way to make him react. He rarely did anymore, so used to my behavior as he was.

Sure enough, Ash won the girl's heart by the next moon. By then, I'd been subject to growing irritation at how easily my brother could take my place. He was like me, beginning to almost defeat me in wits and combat, and now he could manipulate emotions. I could see through Mab's eyes that he was worth more to her. He was me without the ambition. He did not want the throne. He made it clear that he had no care for the Court politics. He was without allies against Sage and I. Therefore, he was less of a threat.

He was her favorite son, and there was hardly anything I could do to change that. I could charm whomever I wished, kill anyone I bothered to kill, and steal anyone's heart without cause, but I had too much history, too many allies to be doted upon. So, after nearly a month of watching him act much like me, I decided to test him. When my little brother came to me, the mortal girl waiting for her faery prince to return, I began to despise those silver eyes. He was innocent compared to the rest of us, having never fought as hard for power nor favor, and I wanted to watch his innocence break. If he was going to be my replacement, then let him be my replacement. Just don't let this innocent, naïve boy take my place and dishonor it with inexperience.

I made him go back to his mortal and break her heart. She died of it, crying out for him, but I glared at him, hoping to see him react to her cries. Under my watch, he never even looked back at the village. He was able to be just like me, and I hated him more for it.

It was little later than that when I found out that he was disappearing. Mab called for him one day and he did not arrive, as he was out 'hunting'. I knew he would never intentionally disrespect her like that, so I went after him. I wanted to drag him back to Court. If he was going to be Mab's favorite, he better take that power instead of letting it sit there taunting the rest of us. If he was Mab's favorite, he was going to partake in politics whether he wanted to or not. I would not be replaced by some child who did not respect the power given to him.

I tracked him as far as the Deep Briars. I picked up another trail running alongside his; a fey I knew well. Ash was with Robin Goodfellow, out pissing off some exiles or giants or stealing an ancient dagger or learning about wandering fey. I knew Puck, and I knew that when he found out the extent of Ash's knowledge, he would laugh. Puck, unlike Sage, Ash and I, had no competition or worry about a throne. He was Oberon's favorite fey (tied with his wife, though theirs was always a strange marriage) and the third most powerful Summer fey, ranking only under the two rulers themselves. He seemed to have no interest in rule, as Ash did, and was content to spend his days in the wyldwood causing trouble. If he could upset the balance of power in the Unseelie Court, he would, just for the fun of it.

I was right. By the third disappearance, Ash was using moves we hadn't taught him in practice to best us. He was exercising his glamour, pushing himself as if to prepare for a battle. I suppose Puck took him into places where Ash could die without this training, but it made the situation no better when Ash returned with new strength. His interactions with the Court became easier for him as he became stronger, more sure of his place. He started partaking in the competition for Mab's favor, and once he gave her a mortal's beautiful child as a gift. The mortal is still frozen in Mab's courtyard, a reminder of Ash's small victory and smug smile when he looked back at Sage and I. He was taking his place as a prince of Winter, and I was running out of options.

I began to bury myself in politics, often spending more time in Court than even Sage, who began keeping to himself and his wolf. I gave up pretenses and perfected charisma, threatening, manipulating, and even sleeping my way into a secure position. Sage may have been heir, but I was next in line no matter how good Ash was. If Mab and Sage were ever unable to rule, I was undoubtedly the next choice. Ash helped a bit, as he still had his distaste for politics and often went off on his adventures. He would come back unknowing of the latest political moves, and would often have to figure out what happened by himself.

Then there came a girl. A gorgeous fey, daughter of a Duke, by the name of Ariella. She was so beautiful and innocent, touring the palace with wide, barely restrained excited eyes. She kept her distance from risky politics but was respected. However, she was too careful. She would not let me have more than a few minutes of polite conversation with her. I suppose I gave off the aura that I would use her and throw her aside as I had begun doing to others, but I wouldn't have. Not to her. Though Ash's innocence had disgusted me, hers intrigued me. I couldn't understand how a Duke's daughter could have such ease and charm when raised so far from the thorns and roses of the Court.

I found out later that she had begun to look to Ash for assistance when needed. His distaste had led her to trust him, and at first, I thought she was a fool. Then I saw the way my brother looked at her, and I realized that he had been as intrigued as I was by her grace. He guarded her from the manipulative sidhe and violent Unseelies, charmed her with his smile, and was charmed in return. They were the talk of the Court before long, as Mab's youngest son could not be in _love._ Winter princes had too much at stake to ruin their love by being so obvious, but he could not hide his affection for Ariella. She too began to disappear with him, and not always to adventure with Goodfellow, for I tracked them one day and ran into Puck on a hunt of his, which he had pursued alone.

My name was still Rowan, and I was still not enough. Ash stole Ariella, Mab's affection, and my own identity. After so long trying to secure my place above him, I was no longer the Rowan I had been raised as. I used to spend my time exploring our realm, watching the strange ways of how mortal children were doted on equally by their parents, once even saving a small child from icy water before catching myself and moving on. Now, I was afraid of no one, took what I wanted (for if Ash had everything, surely I could too), and could not sleep at night for fear that he would take something else I had my intentions on. Even Sage was taken from me, as Sage removed himself from our presence to avoid the animosity between us. It was not one-sided; Ash loved to irritate me just as much as I loved to upset him. It was simply getting harder to upset him.

I would not touch Ariella. She was not going to be a casualty of our feud. I don't believe Ash noticed that I respected her. I suppose he just thought I was too wrapped up in politics to endanger my position by ruining the Duke's charming daughter.

If Ash was out, she would come to the palace to find him and find me instead. I kept to polite conversations, but with every word I could feel myself coming a bit closer to comfort. She had a way about her, as if she knew what troubles weighed upon you and could gently lift them from your shoulders with a sigh and a smile. Despite my best intentions, I became enraptured. I did not think I loved her, how could I? Yet she was more genuine than the sidhe I saw every day. She was not interested in power. It was as if I could relax and not be targeted for it. I could see why Ash loved her. I could not see how she could love Ash.

She was ripped away forever. Ash and Puck had taken her on a hunt, and they had run into a wyvern's den. The creature struck her down, Ash's incompetence leaving her exposed. If he loved her, he would have died for her that day. If he loved her, he would have taken the blow and saved her life. He didn't. He let her die.

He blamed it on Goodfellow's choice of pathways, but the rift between my brother and his Summer friend gained no sympathy nor pity from me. He should not have been with a Summer at all. If he had stuck to the law, Ariella would not have died. I would not have to bear these burdens all alone. I would not have lost the little piece of my old self forever.

He spent decades on his own, refusing to return to Court where he had first seen her. He spent centuries hunting down Robin Goodfellow, determined to keep a promise he had made and avenge Ariella's death. I was no better.

I knew now that relaxing around someone, allowing them to become a friend, was for nothing. Having emotions could only bring pain. I suppose Mab was smug when she looked at me. I was the son most like her now. She had tried to find herself in one of us, but Sage had little fire for rule and Ash obviously was too disinterested. She started calling me her favorite son, though that title changed with whomever had done her the best favor that day. It was what I'd been working for…but it was empty. I thought that it would make me feel like the work was worth it, but her cruel competition never ended and never favored anyone.

I don't think I cared anymore. It was a terrible life to live, and the only outlets were murder and sex. I'd rather not delve into that, it was a bad time for all of us. Ash was murderous, I was bitter, and Sage was hardly around anymore. Mab thought it was endlessly amusing.

Then came the girl. Puck's girl. A half-breed princess of Summer, the daughter of Oberon and some mortal, who had come to the Nevernever searching for her little brother. Ash had tried to kill her on sight, if I recall correctly. She'd been under Puck's protection for years, and she looked scarily similar to the woman we'd lost long ago to the same fey. Puck hid her somewhere, and it was long enough for her to enlist the aid of a Cait Sith by the name of Grimalkin to make it to Arcadia. What transpired there, we can only guess, but I first met her at Elysium in Arcadia not long after her arrival.

She was young, even by mortal standards. She was naïve and unaware of even the smallest of fey nature, though beautiful as Ariella had been. Obviously she had been raised in the mortal world and sheltered from her true self her entire life. I let Ash ask her to dance. It amused me greatly to see him be cordial to his quarry.

Elysium was shattered by the attack of a chimera. It made straight for the young princess, but Ash pushed her out of the way. Sage and I immediately joined in. If the Summer princess was killed, surely the Unseelie Court was going to be at war. I couldn't let the beast mar her pretty face either. It's always a shame to lose something so delicate.

With the efforts of Oberon and the other sidhe, we defeated the beast before long. I saw something flash as it died, but couldn't discern what it was in the chaos. The princess saw it too, but I got distracted and could not ask her what it was. We left almost immediately after that, Mab positively steaming over Oberon's chimera and Titania's accusations that it was us that set the monster on our peace.

It wasn't long at all before I found that I doubted either of us had set the monster at all. There was something strange about it. Mab would not dare to disrupt our peace, nor would she have the motivation. However, why would Oberon set the monster on his own weak daughter without her faithful guardian at her side? She had disappeared after Elysium and we began searching for her everywhere in our realm, determined to prove that we had not taken her.

Ash found her, wrapping himself up into a whole new plot involving Goodfellow and the princess. He struck a deal with her and, after a period of time that Ash explained had been spent in a realm of new, Iron fey, she came to Court.

Without centuries of practice, I might've called her Ariella. She was mooning after my little brother like that first mortal girl I challenged him to win. The princess, Meghan Chase, wasn't very adventurous like her guardian. Instead, she kept herself as secluded from us as she could, though she attempted many times to check in with my little brother. I'd laughed at her. Ash was a lost cause. There was nothing in any of us that could possibly learn to love.

Meghan entertained the Courts with stories of Iron fey, and Ash supported her claims with the same disinterested expression he's always had. I turned my attention to Meghan herself. Like Ariella, she was innocent to our ways and ambitions. Meghan, having no known power, was helpless in the Court without her guardian by her side, but she was stubborn. She gave little away up until I helped her along with spill-our-guts, which Ash hated me for. By that time, it was a speck on the window. He hated me anyway.

In our talk, Meghan confirmed she loved Ash, but Ash was a true prince of Winter now. He turned away from her and she wept for a few days, which set Mab on edge. She was so weak, she remained inert until Mab demanded her to get up. Mab was disbelieving of the existence of Iron fey, but sent Sage, Ash and I out to look around. Nothing was found.

Nothing except the three Winter princes.

It was the last trip we took together. Sage and his wolf were annoyed from letting Ash lead the way. Ash was growing increasingly irritable as we continued to find nothing. I was constantly giving Ash brotherly sarcasm. I would love to have gone back and found something. Maybe then I could've avoided my fate. But time is unforgivable, even to immortals.

We reported back when it was clear we wouldn't find anything. Ash and Sage secluded themselves, and I continued to be curious about Meghan. Perhaps something did happen between her and my brother on their journey. It'd be all too sweet to know what that was, to see Ash's face when his precious princess was turned against him.

The Scepter of the Seasons changed hands a few days later, and Mab was wary of Oberon's possible attempt at retrieving his daughter. Ash simply continued on as normal, ignoring Meghan's consistent pleas and claims of love. He turned to finding the Iron fey, convinced they would return to reclaim Meghan.

His conviction was strong. I began to wonder. Did Iron fey exist?

My answer came in the form of flashing figures. Some of my allies, who went by the general name of Thornguards, asked that I accompany them to the border under the pretense that there was something about the recently missing Summer princess-and my brother-that I needed to see. The "something" was a toxic fey-one who resembled my youngest brother in an eerie way. His eyes were slightly different and his presence sickened the wyldwood, but he waited for me by the border. He explained that there was a new race of fey made of technology and iron, a substance deadly to normal fey.

This was conflicting. Though the fey (who called himself Tertius) promised me a position of power in this uprising and attempted to persuade me that I would survive the change of fey races, I didn't want it. All my life had been a struggle for power, and it seemed too easy to just have it. He used Ash and our animosity, Sage and our competition, and Mab's fickle favoritism against me, but I could see through his argument. Centuries of debating politics had made me more aware of deals and the details within them. There was no promise of a status higher than my current one, or even of my survival. The Thornguards had bought into it, but I was no fool.

I was a fool, thinking I was secure among my allies. They had lured me here to ensure their survival and they were not going to die fighting these poisonous fey. For the first time in centuries, I feared something other than Mab. I slaughtered the first wave, but they kept coming, my control breaking. Shamefully, I nearly cried out for help, but who would want to help me? The last thing I remember from that night was pain as they overpowered me, flat grey eyes watching me fall as they always have.

I knew the Iron fey had done something more sickening than I had ever done, and I've done horrible things. I knew a blindingly amount of pain, and thoughts other than my own interpreting the world they saw through my eyes. There was no Rowan who read books and teased his brother. There was no Rowan who had once saved a little girl and the Summer Princess. Whatever happened to that person is out of my knowledge. I just knew that all I could do was hold on to whatever I could of myself, because they were erasing it. Bit by bit, they took Rowan away and replaced me with some disillusioned murderer.

I let a team of Iron fey into the Court when the Scepter of the Seasons changed hands. I had thought that they would take it from the throne room and leave. I did not know that Sage and Ash switched guard duty that night, nor that Sage had pulled Meghan along for a conversation that he'd never finish. The Iron fey killed my older brother, and I couldn't even shed a tear.

Not long after, Mab froze Meghan in the throne room, and I couldn't help but think about how my brother had froze on that same floor when he was dying. This half-breed didn't deserve to spend eternity where my brother died. She was the cause of all of this. The thoughts that were not my own taunted me, letting me experience the pain without being able to show it. Then when Ash literally ran into me in the halls, the thawed princess following closely behind, I snapped.

Ash and I had sparred ever since we were little. He might beat me once in a series of four fights, but that takes all of his concentration. I hated him, I did, but I needed to escape this Iron thing controlling me. I couldn't kill my brother, even with the disgraceful deed he'd done. I tried to warn him that I wasn't entirely in control, slowing down my movements to match his pace, but it was pointless; the Iron fey wanted me alive. As a result, our little run-in turned quickly into bloodshed, and after a painful three minutes, I was critically injured and hateful, watching as Ash led his precious half-breed to safety. I became the only son Mab had left, but I was too weak to stop my brother and the half-breed, so I was reduced to a chore. Mab did not hide her frustration with me, though she let me heal so she could have an heir.

It was so empty. I'd wanted that exact thing, to be her best and only option, but it wasn't worth it. And it wasn't even me.

Ash, Meghan, and Goodfellow went after the Scepter of the Seasons as war broke between Winter and Summer over its loss. On the day of the battle, the Iron controller forcing me to prevent the return of the Scepter, I once again battled my brother, this time against his companions. Ash and Puck distracted me while Meghan returned the Scepter, and I escaped while I could. Mab would know who betrayed her and killed Sage, and I wouldn't survive that even if I tried.

I'll admit to complying with the Iron fey half the time. A lot of their agenda aligned with mine. I enjoyed my little mission into the Summer war camp as Iron finally fought face-to-face with the Courts. Meghan had taken Ash's heart, and Ash did not deserve it, not after Ariella. The end goal, however, would kill me, and I was all too painfully aware of it. There had never been any intention of helping the Thornguards or I survive the change of iron. My skin was burned from the ring they forces me to wear, irreversible damage done to my face, my hands, everything. I tried to show Ash that there was more than what it seemed, especially when I met with Meghan Chase before Summer, Winter, and Iron engaged in the most crucial battle of the War of the Nevernever. Ash knew I had spent my entire life charming, deceiving, and dealing with powerful fey. My Iron escorts didn't know how good I was. So I dropped the pretenses, not bothering to make Ferrum, the Iron King, sound like the better option as much as I could have. If I wanted to, I could probably make even Goodfellow wonder if it'd be better to take Ferrum's deal. This time, even the Summer princess could see through it.

I had my victory, but it was short-lived. They assumed it was because I was deteriorating, literally, from the influence of Iron that I was being so direct. I wanted to scream, to cry, to raise my blade and end this torture because it was becoming too much. I couldn't, and I would never get the chance to. The Iron had taken even that from me.

The next time we met, it was in the throne room of the Iron King. Out of everyone there: Ash, Meghan, and Goodfellow, I'm glad it was Ash who stepped forward to face me. I had nothing against Goodfellow except the old sore of Ariella. I didn't want to die by the same cancer that was killing me, the one Meghan Chase controlled. No, I was born a Winter. I wanted to die with some claim to the remnant of myself, that older brother who sparred with his younger brother on lazy afternoons while the queen was busy.

Yes, I hated to die. But I would have my victory over the Iron after all. When death released me from this world, I would face the blackness as Prince Rowan of the UnSeelie Court and no one else.

My name is Rowan, and I will live for no one else.


End file.
